Tell A JOKE

[bjm362]

Jokes to offend everyone
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>
> What is the difference between a Harley and a
> Hoover ?
>
> The position of the dirt
> bag
>
>
>
>
>
>
> What is a Yankee?
>
>
> The same as a quickie, but a
> guy can do it alone.
>
>
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
>
>
> Because it's worth
> it.
>
>
>
>
> Why is air a lot like sex?
>
>
> Because it's no big deal
> unless you're not getting any.
>
>
>
> What do you call a smart
> blonde?
>
> A golden
> retriever.
>
>
>
>
> What do attorneys use for
> birth control?
>
> Their
> personalities.
>
>
>
>
> What's the difference between
> a girlfriend and
> wife?
>
> 10 years and 45
> lbs
>
>
>
>
> What's the difference between
> a boyfriend and
> husband?
>
> 45
> minutes
>
>
>
>
> What's the fastest way to a
> man's heart?
>
> Through his chest with a sharp
> knife.
>
>
>
>
> Why do men want to marry
> virgins?
>
> They can't stand
> criticism.
>
>
>
>
> Why is it so hard for women to
> find men that are sensitive, caring, and
> good-looking?
>
> Because those men already have
> boyfriends.
>
>
> What's the difference between
> a new husband and a new
> dog?
>
> After a year, the dog is still
> excited to see you
>
>
>
>
> Why do men chase women they
> have no intention of
> marrying?
>
> The same urge that makes dogs
> chase cars they have no intention of
> driving.
>
>
>
>
> Why don't bunnies make noise
> when they have sex?
>
> Because they have cotton
> balls.
>
>
>
>
> What's the difference between
> a porcupine and BMW?
>
> A porcupine has the pricks on
> the outside.
>
>
>
>
> What did the blonde say when
> she found out she was pregnant?
>
>
> "Are you sure it's
> mine?"
>
>
>
>
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during
> sex?
>
> Mace will do that to
> you.
>
>
>
>
> Why did OJ Simpson want to
> move to West Virginia
> ?
>
> Everyone has the same
> DNA.
>
>
>
>
> Why do men find it difficult
> to make eye contact?
> Breasts don't have
> eyes.
>
>
>
>
> Why do drivers' education
> classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and
> Fridays?
>
> Because on Tuesday and
> Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses
> it.
>
>
>
>
> Where does an Irish family go
> on vacation?
>
> A different
> bar.
>
>
>
>
> Did you hear about the Chinese
> couple that had a blond baby?
> They named him "Sum Ting
> Wong"
>
>
>
>
> What would you call it when an
> Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
>
>
> A speech
> impediment
>
>
>
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
> northern zoo?
>
> A southern zoo has a
> description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a
> recipe".
>
>
>
>
> How do you get a sweet
> 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
>
> Get another sweet little
> 80-year-old lady to yell
> *BINGO*!
>
>
>
>
> What's the difference between
> a northern fairytale and a southern
> fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins
> "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
>
> "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
> shit....
>
>
>
>
> Why is there no
> Disneyland in Japan ?
> No one is tall
> enough to go on the good
> rides

[bjm362]

A gas station in Kentucky was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with
> Fill-up".
>
> Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
>
> The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
>
> The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
>
> A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
>
> The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
>
> The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
>
> As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
>
> Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

[bjm362]

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a
long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three
worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the
stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes
off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into
her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to
his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.

Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it
that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting
close to taut.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he
jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward
he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3:
Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[bjm362]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical
students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........